When I confess to Amma, I might be bisexual
Everything halts.
“The God I pray to will not do such a thing to me.”
The conversation ends, Amma burns it
And throws the ashes in the wind
Never talks about it again.
Amma has always wanted to be a magician
But never more than now
A flick of a wand to turn me into a coat
Hang me neatly back in the closet
Never try to come out again.

When I say I am bisexual, in a gathering of friends.
All of us are pleasantly tipsy
There’s mulled wine, muffins and fairy light twinkles
But not ten minutes later, a sharpshooting pain
A collision of skull against concrete
Ringing ears and fingers tugging on my hair
And a drunk woman in my face
Demanding a kiss
What was I then at that moment?
A placeholder? Or a science experiment?
Or a morning after spent wondering is it sexual assault
If it was a woman?

When I say I am bisexual next
It’s at the Pride Parade,
Pink and purple, rhinestones and glitter
“Oh, you’re just straight then,”
“Are you even queer if you’re holding a man’s hand?”
Are you even?
Are you?
What are you?
And why are you here?
What is this home that you hope to make here?
Where do you belong?
Do you even belong?
Here? There? Anywhere?

When my boyfriend asks me,
Am I still bisexual at this very moment
When I’m bursting with love for him - a man?
I almost open my mouth to say
“Identities do not work that way”
Amma whispers in my ear,
“You are water,” and I remember
I was birthed into the names of rivers
Like every Indian woman before me
Ganga, Yamuna, Godavari, Cauvery
But when Amma holds me in her cupped hands
She sees no colour, shape, or taste of my own
“I am water.”
“I am what I am poured into.”

So I say, “I don’t know”
Amma really is a magician, isn’t she?

Author’s note: At the time of writing this poem in 2022, the author identified as bisexual. But now the author identifies as pansexual, is openly queer, and is comfortable with her identity as a queer health provider. This poem captures the period of self-doubt and erasure she felt from various stakeholders in her journey of self-acceptance - an experience faced by many men and women who have multi gender sexual attraction even today.

Image by Christianez Ratna Kiruba